BLOG for FINDING FRIENDS
By Beth Shaughnessy
This lifestyle we have chosen seems to come in 4-5 year runs, Each new phase of training means we may have to pick up and move somewhere else, again. At least until we get that first real job. And with that comes a little loneliness. What if we have never lived there before? What do I do to find a friend?
Before I left for my fellowship in Los Angeles, I had lived in Illinois nearly my entire life – and was lucky enough to complete medical school and residency training close to home. I knew NO ONE in California except for my husband. As I started fellowship, he appointed me his social secretary! What to do? The social culture was a bit different in L.A. as compared to Chicago, as compared to Cincinnati where I now live. In California, people tend to live farther away, commuting long distances. Gone were the days of spontaneous get-togethers with co-workers. Locating friends nearby was not so easy. People kept to themselves more. Obviously, this was one of those times I would have to take matters into my own hands and be proactive. So, how did I find like-minded individuals? The easiest way for me was to find some common ground. These are some of the ways I was able to make new friends as an busy professional in a new city:
- Take a class: My yoga friends have been around 12 years now. We support each other, we network, celebrate weddings, suggest restaurants, etc. No one else in this group is in medicine, and it is refreshing to get a different perspective. Find something that you are interested in, such as yoga, spinning, cooking, photography, painting/art, bee-keeping.
- Volunteer: I helped to organize the Susan G. Komen Affiliate in L.A., then contributed to the new one in Cincinnati. Met lots of people through this organization.There are many ways to donate your time, such as putting on a running race or bicycle race, or help with the handicapped, or be a big sister through the “Y”.
- Join a club for running, hiking, bicycling, book club, or an organization like Sierra Club, a club for a cause.
- Neighborhood meet-ups.
- Network with existing friends to find names of people they know in this new city. You are more likely to meet a potential new friend in someone who knows a friend of yours.
- Become active in an alumni organization or chapter. In Los Angeles, I met up with women who had been members of my same sorority in college. They came from a wide variety of ages and backgrounds, from many parts of the country.
- Get a dog and walk that dog. They don’t call it a people magnet for nothing.
- Go to a fund-raiser that is meaningful to you, and introduce yourself to a lot of people, and/or volunteer to do something for that charity.
In reading articles on new websites, meetup is supposed to have notices of multiple meetings that you could possible go to. Bumble is supposed to be a new way to find your next BFF. I haven’t tried it, mostly because they are new.
Finding new friends as we get older becomes more challenging as we age. This is well-documented, but not impossible. Think about it; making a friend takes time and emotional investment. It takes a certain level of commitment, albeit as small or as large as you are willing to commit. And it usually starts with finding common ground. As the demands on our time grow, and we might get a career, get married and might start a family, the extra time shrinks. So does theirs. Friendships through classes or activities help to serve you in participating in an activity, but also having a friend with whom you have something in common. You can keep the commitment at the level of the activity only, or you can expand beyond it, depending on your time constraints.
But take heart; remember you have made friends before, and you will make friends again. They don’t come prepackaged. Try to remain loose, flexible, and open to conversations and meeting new people. One lasting friendship I made casually through a discussion in a grocery store, commenting on the person’s sweatshirt design, and the individual became like family in time.
Beth Shaughnessy was born and raised in the Chicago area, leaving to go downstate for college at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, but returning for medical school at the University of Illinois at Chicago. After residency at the University of Illinois’ program, she felt she became too inbred, so she left for Los Angeles to complete a fellowship in surgical oncology at the City of Hope National Cancer Center. She is currently a professor of surgery at the University of Cincinnati, in Cincinnati where she lives with her husband and son. She enjoys cooking, yoga, the arts, choral singing, and gardening.
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